I want to get away from life. I was rather upset last night. I am always thinking about everything. I feel like, even with my friends, I'm on the outside. when I'm with my friends, I'm always on the defensive. I don't trust them. I still feel like one day they'll turn on me or one day they'll just hate me. I am so incredibly conflicted. it seems like everyone always turns on me. changes their mind about me. doesn't need me like they thought they did. I feel like I can just always be cut out of the picture. I'm just there for a laugh. I'm just there cause I act crazy and I can do what I want. but the little things get to me. and I'm so totally insecure, it's not even funny. I got out my dave matthews cd today for some reason. I was looking for the ataris... but I've got no clue where that is. life is funny sometimes. I am working on my self image. I want to be satisfied with who I am, so it won't matter if my friends suddenly hate me. I am walking 2 miles every day and not eating too much, hoping that will help me. Who knows... who knows...

I call you up, you pick up you call my bluff, on the cards of love you hold too close your hands to your chest I can't read your eyes, but I confess it's lonely far from you even when you're right by me it's only why I wait for you, take my hand why do I beg like a child for your candy? why do I come after you like I do, I love you....

sometimes I can't move my feet it seems as if I'm stuck in the ground somehow like a tree as if I can't even breathe and my screams come whispering out as if nobody can even see me like a ghost sometimes I can't see myself... sometimes I feel lost as I pull you out like strings of memories wish I could weave them into you and I could figure the whole damn puzzle out... if I'd had it all, oh I'd fuck it up sure...

there. that's all the quizzes I did last night in my spare time. This week is so freakin boring.

Who's Your Movie Sidekick? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Empire Records Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty

Who's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego? Find out @ She's Crafty

What's Your Style? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

"I like you the way you are when we're driving in your car and you're talking to me one on one But you become somebody else around everyone else, watchin your back like you can't relax, you're tryin to be cool, you look like a fool to me" Well, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I hate my life. I hate myself. Goodness and I thought everything was getting better. Well, not anymore. I have lost my best friend and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. So I'm just trying not to do anything. And trying to refrain from bursting into tears at inopportune times. Let's see... it's been so long since I posted on here. I've been hanging out with Mayur and Adrienne a lot lately. That's always fun. I'm about to leave for girls state, so it'll be another week before I'll be back. And then the rest of my summer is pretty busy. So yes, summer is great. Except for losing my best friend. That really sucks. It really really upsets me. But yeah, I'm trying not to think about that too much cause it makes me cry a lot. Hmm... Wednesday I went to that stupid Stone Mountain and my fat ass couldn't climb it. So I didn't really eat the rest of the day. Then Thursday Mayur made me have a regular coke and a tiny piece of chocolate. And I drank a lot of diet coke. Then Friday I drank more diet coke and had a pretzel and a piece of chocolate that Katie made me eat. Oh and that little strawberry thing I ate at Mayur's house. :-) And today, Saturday, I had a little carbolite chocolate bar. So ya know, that's exciting. Anyway, I'm off to a group 4 meeting. Byebye everybody.

I just returned from the fine state of north carolina today. where lee likes to eat apple sauce and the rain makes our tent capsize. I have no clue if that's the right usage of the word capsize, but it looks good. so ANYway.... yeah, north carolina is a fine state. and I just returned from it today. lee and I survived our road trip. I'm very proud of us. so then I came home and sat on my ass for a while. cleaned up my stuff a bit, I guess. then I went to dinner with adrienne and mayur and nadia. and of course, we harrassed the waiter a bunch and mayur dressed me with his cell phone. cause my pants were downstairs. we had lots of fun. but we always do. and my grandmother is coming tomorrow to plan out a trip to the grand canyon or something. and now I get to go to the yippeee-fun girls state thing. woooo. if I miss my SPE because of this stupid thing, I'll be pissed. sonia's battle of the bands is on sunday... woo it's gonna be a long weekend.

I Am
Fachea
Celtic Goddess of Poetry.
I'm a freaky writer type that doesn't like to leave the house. I'm probably a lot smarter than you.
What Celtic Goddess are You?
Quiz by Aoibhell

which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

Holy Cornball, Batman!! Hello, world. I'm at my mom's office, trying out her computer and her new office space. It's very exciting here. I have wasted away my day. I went out last night with Adrienne and Joseph and some of their friends. I am watching John Mayer's No Such Thing video cause my mommy's computer is just THAT fast. However, the space bar sticks... so I'll write about my pathetic life later.

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
Art used (c) by JonathonArt.com

"I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me" I swear Michelle Branch stole that from Saves The Day, I swear it!

I am afflicted with a great pain
A pain that eats me inside out
I am the cause of my troubles
Because I cause my suffering
And now I cannot escape
The terrible memories
Vivid images that plague me
I feel that my life is being eaten away
Eating itself from the inside out
And I cannot find neither the beginning
Nor the end of my affliction
All I know for sure
Is that my pain lies within me
And I deserve to die
To die the death of my nightmares
Nightmares that eat at my brain
Even as I am awake, even now
It is eating at me, chewing a hole

Did you ever feel like you are not in control of your body? I feel sick. I'm afraid. And I want to die. I guess I should go to sleep since I have exams tomorrow. But I really feel quite ill and I wish I could just never wake up. That would make me happy, I think. I keep trying to decide if life is even worth it and I keep thinking no. Every time I think that something could possibly work out for me, that life might be smiling on me, I push it out. In one way or another, I will not allow myself to be happy. No matter how much I watch myself, I somehow always lose sight of my own happiness.